"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife."
"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage."
"Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love."
"It's better to be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother."
"It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who."
"If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all."
"What's the three words you never want to hear while making love? Honey, I'm home."
"I'm glad I'm not bisexual. I couldn't stand being rejected by men as well as women."
"It's not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on."
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate."
"When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick."
"They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days."
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet."
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable."
"She looked as if she'd been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say when."
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing."
"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker."
"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?"
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."