NOT MORE JOKES !

NICE PRESENT !

A young man wanted to buy a present for his new girlfriend on her birthday, as they had not been going out very long. After careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note, romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his new girlfriend's younger sister he went to Marks and Spencer and bought a pair of beautiful white gloves and the sister bought a pair of panties for herself. Unfortunately, during the wrapping the two gifts got mixed up, the sister got the gloves and he got the panties. Without checking the contents the young man dispatched them to his girlfriend with the following note.

My darling Lucy,
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones which are easy to remove.These are a delicate shade, but the lady at the shop showed me a pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks , and they hardly seemed soiled at all. I had her try on yours for me and they looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year, I hope you will wear them on friday night for me.

All my love Steve.
P.S.
I understand the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little of the fur showing.


ANAGRAMS

  • The Metropolitan Police force = I'm fellatio, the erect porn cop
  • Benson and Hedges = NHS has been a Godsend
  • Martina Navratilova = Variant rival to a man
  • Virginia Bottomly = I'm an evil Tory bigot
  • Michael Heseltine = Elect him, he's alien
  • A Decimal point = I'm a dot in a place
  • The Morse Code = Here comes dots
  • Eleven plus two - Twelve plus one
  • Tony Blair PM = I'm Tory Plan B
  • Gloria Estafan = Large fat noise
  • Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler
  • Desperation = A rope ends it
  • David Mellor = Dildo marvel
  • Selina Scott = Elastic snot
  • Mel Gibson = Big Melons
  • Evangelist = Evil's agent
  • Chris Rea = Rich arse


  • THE STUPID TEST


    Ok. Pay close attention.
    Here is a very simple little test
    comprised of four easy questions
    to determine the level of your intellect
    ~

    Your replies must be spontaneous and
    immediate,
    with no deliberate or wasting of time
    And no cheating!

    On your marks, get set, go

    Test 1

    You are competing in a race
    and overtake the runner in second place
    ~
    In which position are you now?
    Answer:
    If you answered that you're now first,you're wrong!
    you overtook the second runner and took his place,
    therefore you are now in second place

    For the next question try not to be so dumb

    Test 2

    If you overtake the last runner,
    ~
    what position are you now in?
    Answer:
    If you answered second to last
    you are wrong once again.

    think about it...
    How can you overtake the person who is last
    If you're behind them,they can't be last
    you would have been last.
    It would appear that thinking
    is not one of your strong points.


    anyway, here's another question to try
    Don't take any notes or use a
    calculator, and remember,
    your replies must be instantaneous.


    Test 3

    Take 1000. Add 40. Add another 1000
    Add 30. 1000 again. Plus 20.
    Plus 1000. And plus 10.
    ~
    What is the total?
    Answer:
    5000? Wrong again!
    The correct answer is 4100.

    Try again with a good calculator.
    Today is clearly not your day,
    although you should manage
    to get the last question right...

    Test 4



    Marie's father has five daughters:
    1. Chacha
    2. Cheche
    3. Chichi
    4. Chocho
    5. ????
    ~
    what is the fifth daughter's name?

    think quickly..you'll find the answer below
    Answer:
    Chuchu?
    WRONG

    It's obviously Marie!
    Read the question properly.

    You are clearly the weakest link.


    OWING TO CURRENT FINANCIAL STRINGENCIES

    THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL

    WILL BE SWITCHED OFF UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE


    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
    Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy
    missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.
    The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.  
    He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!  
    Paddy handed his drink back and said "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are you flying with you ?"  
    Paddy replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"  
    -----------------------------oOo----------------------------->  
    Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy
    "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
    He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
    Murphy watches in amazement!  
    The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.  
    Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.  
    "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.  
    "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex
    Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
    "You know what I want don't you ?"  
    "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole friggin' bed by the looks of it!"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
    Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?  
    A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!  
    -----------------------------oOo----------------------------- Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.  
    He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"  
    Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"  
    Paddy says "What's his name ?"  
    Mick replies "Miles, from London!"
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------
    Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
    He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!  
    -----------------------------oOo-----------------------------  
    Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whos head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
    A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"  
     
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