One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.
Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...
The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.
The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."
This man, his wife and their Border Collie, Maisy were out for a drive in the country one afternoon in their new convertible, with the top down. The husband and wife were enjoying the scenery as they drove along. While unbeknownst to them, Maisy gave birth to seven puppies while laying on the back seat of the automobile. The couple continued to drive along, unaware of the new arrivals. Soon the road began to deteriorate and was beginning to become quite rough. Suddenly, the car ran over a deep pothole in the road, and one of Maisy's puppies bounced up and out of the car, landing on the roadway just in front of a police car that had been following the man and his wife.
The police officer switched on his lights and siren, and soon had the couple pulled over to the side of the road. What are you pulling me over for? Queried the startled driver. The officer responded, "I pulled you over for creating a "Road Hazard, for other drivers!" What hazard? Asked the man. "A puppy bounced out of your car and put myself, and several other drivers at risk, trying to avoid hitting it." Now your Drivers License and Proof of Insurance please. Thank you Sir... And the 'Bitches' name, Sir. Hey! How dare you call my wife a bitch! Sir, I was referring to the dog! Oh... Her name is Maisy. What do you want her name for, officer? Well Sir, after I write your ticket for "Endangering Vehicular Traffic", I am going to cite your dog, Maisy, for Littering!
After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.
When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,
"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well. As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class. The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said, "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again." One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. Mrs. Smith replied, "Yes, he is my husband." Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject. Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied, "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."
A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school. On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus: "I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates." "Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was entertained by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer.
On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger."
This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers.
Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief.
The African ambassador was much impressed with the couragous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year.
When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women.
The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you a oral sex - take your pick".
The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?"
With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them's a cannibal."
Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin,
Orders three pints of Guinness & sits in the corner of the room,
Drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, He went back to the bar & ordered three more.
The barman says, "You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it .......... Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time."
Patrick replies, "Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America ; & de odder in Australia ; & here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all dranktogedder."
The barman admits that this is a nice custom & says no more.
Patrick becomes a regular customer, & always drinks the same way ....... Ordering three pints & drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished.
One day, he comes in & orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice! & fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round,
The barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops & he starts to laugh,
"Oh no," he says, "Bejesus, everyone is fine !
Tis me, ................... I've
Quit Drinking !"
An old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherdexclaims loudly,
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"
Moral of this story...
Don't mess with the old dogs...
Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull Shit and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Of course, I am in no way insinuating that you are old, just 'youthfully challenged'.
You did notice the size of the print, didn't you?
The Arrogance of Authority
A Drugs Enforcement Officer (DEA) stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"
Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
(I just love this part....)
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"